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 Post subject: [Story] In a Blue Moon
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 4:25 pm 
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Another short story about the Guardians.

0.7k words

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Last edited by Huey Nomure on Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:56 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2019 7:42 pm 
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I kind of like Tulemnak. I thought it would have been hilarious if he/the plane had not been creating a new moon, just because then his comment of "the next full moon" would have been a particularly funny version of "piss off." I'm not a big fan of the non-standard font for his dialog, but that's just me.

I am, of course, similarly put off by sensors and their readings and the other sci-fi stuff here, but there's no need to rehash old differences of opinion. I like the scene-setting of Luyneera as a world mostly-but-not-entirely destroyed. There's not really a lot going on here, as this is mostly just a brief meeting between two people associated with your group, so I don't have a great deal to say about it.

Thanks for posting.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2019 7:56 pm 
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I think this is nice, and I'm interested in the characters, but I feel like the intro threw me a bit. the ordering of information felt... off? the best example is probably the line "Even the surface of the volcano was constellated by azure rocks." it's placed well after all the other observations, and it feels like we're starting to get into the more interpersonal part of the story and them bam, rock fact. the other thing that struck me about it is the description of the volcano as "spewing its rage", which doesn't really feel like it fits with the dry, technical analysis of the rest of the section. it doesn't feel like how the Storyteller would process that event.

oh, one last thing: for some reason the line "easily reading the extinct language" rubs me the wrong way. it feels... braggy? I like the world- and character-building it establishes (Tulemnak communicates with dead languages as a test, the Storyteller knows how to read those sorts of things, etc.) so I'm not objecting to anything about the scene itself, I just think the phrasing of it could be improved. maybe something more along the lines of how he hadn't seen that language in a long time? I don't know.

:duel:

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2019 7:56 am 
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I kind of like Tulemnak. I thought it would have been hilarious if he/the plane had not been creating a new moon, just because then his comment of "the next full moon" would have been a particularly funny version of "piss off."

That moment mirrors a bit the meeting between Elphimas and Kalit, I think :D Fortunately, Tulemnak is more amiable.

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I'm not a big fan of the non-standard font for his dialog, but that's just me.

I also used that font in the second draft of Just a Statistic; I feel like that font sells some kind of reverberation in the speech's sound, but I know it can put off both some readers and some characters, which is why Tulemnak doesn't speak when simple gestures can do the trick both in- and off- universe.

razorborne wrote:
the ordering of information felt... off? the best example is probably the line "Even the surface of the volcano was constellated by azure rocks." it's placed well after all the other observations, and it feels like we're starting to get into the more interpersonal part of the story and them bam, rock fact. the other thing that struck me about it is the description of the volcano as "spewing its rage", which doesn't really feel like it fits with the dry, technical analysis of the rest of the section. it doesn't feel like how the Storyteller would process that event.

Rearranged and tweaked the volcano descriptions.

Quote:
oh, one last thing: for some reason the line "easily reading the extinct language" rubs me the wrong way. it feels... braggy? I like the world- and character-building it establishes (Tulemnak communicates with dead languages as a test, the Storyteller knows how to read those sorts of things, etc.) so I'm not objecting to anything about the scene itself, I just think the phrasing of it could be improved. maybe something more along the lines of how he hadn't seen that language in a long time? I don't know.

New version: "Elphimas replied warmly, intrigued by his knowledge of the long-lost Tulesian runes."

Thank you both for reading and commenting!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:43 pm 
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I like the intro a lot better now.

:duel:

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I tend to agree with Razor.

Pro Tour: YMTC: SECOND ONE IS OVER STAY TUNED FOR THIRD ONE
The BLOCK I'm currently pretending I'll finish: Fleets Of Ossia (complete!) | Wavebreak (complete!) | The Second Flood (in progress!)
Razorborne and friends teach music theory to chumps like you: 12tone


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