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PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:52 pm 
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Ungar wrote:
I resolve to listen to Them more. No more dilly-dallying and leaving planes only half-destroyed.

Snipe wrote:
I resolve to make an appearance. Just give me some time to prepare my thopters and I'm ready to go...


This piece introduces Snipe, a new planeswalker. The title is not definitive, I'm open to suggestions.

Recommended reading: The Pearl of the Black Queen introduces Ungar Landvik.

chapter 1: exit monster, enter slayer


Extras


relevant cards, in order of appearance

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Last edited by Huey Nomure on Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:39 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 2:25 am 
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I feel like this story is too long for its own good. There are basically three things that happen in it:

  • Ungar wrecks a plane with his failed ritual.
  • Snipe discovers it.
  • Snipe reports back to Fabria.

I feel like this doesn't warrant 3000 words. It's a teaser chapter, not a short story.

I do like the plot that's being set up here, and I think the relationship between Snipe and Fabria have potential, but the pacing needs work. You nearly lost me at the technobabble surrounding Snipe's expedition. Meanwhile, I felt the dialogue between Snipe and Fabria was wooden, and the argument could have been handled much more delicately.

I recommend going at this story with a knife and cutting out all the parts you don't really need, so that the core of the piece can shine that much more brightly.

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The format of YMtC and the Expanded Multiverse.
YMtC: My Deck of Many Things | NGA Masters | 2 | 3 | Roses of Paliano | Duel Decks: War of the Wheel | Jakkard: Wild Cards | From Maral's Vault | Taramir: The Dark Tide
Solphos: Solphos | Fool's Gold | Planeswalker's Guide | The Guiding Light | The Weight of a Soul
Game design: Pokémon Tales | Fleets of Ossia: War Machines | Hunter Killer | Red Jackie's Run


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 4:51 am 
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I feel like this story is too long for its own good. [...]
I feel like this doesn't warrant 3000 words. It's a teaser chapter, not a short story.
[...]
I recommend going at this story with a knife and cutting out all the parts you don't really need, so that the core of the piece can shine that much more brightly.

I'll work on it. In the expedition section I wanted to transmit desolation of Fhatagan and the staggering scale of Ungar's "child", but I'm afraid I botched.

About the "teaser" part: would it be better if I presented this and the next story (the one containing the showdown between Ungar and Snipe) as a single piece? I'd be able to shift some exposition (the details about the nightmares and the laser rifle, for instance) to other sections, making this introduction quicker.

Quote:
You nearly lost me at the technobabble surrounding Snipe's expedition.

When we "see" it, when Snipe talks about it, or both? I didn't think I was being obscure, and I needed to introduce his bond with the constructs and some of the slang to make future action scenes faster.

Are the descriptions of the "boneland" during the expedition clear enough?

Quote:
Meanwhile, I felt the dialogue between Snipe and Fabria was wooden, and the argument could have been handled much more delicately.

On one hand, Snipe had no sleep in 40-ish hours, and Fabria isn't exactly a trauma counselor. On the other hand, I can surely try to smooth some emotional transitions and make Fabria lines during the expedition exposition (heh) less dull.

Do the eccentric parts of Snipe's dialogue work? I tried to add color to an otherwise very pragmatic and focused personality, but I can't tell if it worked or not.

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Johann the Bard (The Adventure Zone) wrote:

To anybody reading this, including my future selves: have a good life!

My M:EM creative archive


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 1:28 am 
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I'll work on it. In the expedition section I wanted to transmit desolation of Fhatagan and the staggering scale of Ungar's "child", but I'm afraid I botched.
[...]
Are the descriptions of the "boneland" during the expedition clear enough?

That was fine, actually. It just went on a bit too long.

About the "teaser" part: would it be better if I presented this and the next story (the one containing the showdown between Ungar and Snipe) as a single piece? I'd be able to shift some exposition (the details about the nightmares and the laser rifle, for instance) to other sections, making this introduction quicker.

That sounds good.

When we "see" it, when Snipe talks about it, or both? I didn't think I was being obscure, and I needed to introduce his bond with the constructs and some of the slang to make future action scenes faster.

I felt that you could have encapsulated those ideas with fewer words.

Do the eccentric parts of Snipe's dialogue work? I tried to add color to an otherwise very pragmatic and focused personality, but I can't tell if it worked or not.

It's... eccentric, definitely. It doesn't come across as natural. I'd have to read the reworked version to be sure.

_________________
Image
The format of YMtC and the Expanded Multiverse.
YMtC: My Deck of Many Things | NGA Masters | 2 | 3 | Roses of Paliano | Duel Decks: War of the Wheel | Jakkard: Wild Cards | From Maral's Vault | Taramir: The Dark Tide
Solphos: Solphos | Fool's Gold | Planeswalker's Guide | The Guiding Light | The Weight of a Soul
Game design: Pokémon Tales | Fleets of Ossia: War Machines | Hunter Killer | Red Jackie's Run


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 6:39 am 
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Worked on the first chapter... and figured out that this story will have four of them. So here's the second. I also added a list of relevant cards in the first post; not sure whether Fabria's balanced and/or works as intended, though.

chapter 2: ozone mist


extras

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Johann the Bard (The Adventure Zone) wrote:

To anybody reading this, including my future selves: have a good life!

My M:EM creative archive


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