It is currently Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:53 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: [Story] Fiery Justice
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 12:30 am 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mar 27, 2015
Posts: 1439
Major changes

Spoiler

_________________
The Man in Black fled across Manhattan, and the Gunslinger jumped off rooftops.


Last edited by Heartless Hidetsugu on Mon Aug 21, 2017 8:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:28 pm 
Offline
Member

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 9520
While this isn't a particularly long piece, nor all that complicated, I really do feel like we start on the backfoot and never really get our grounding on it.

The terminology and world all clearly have meaning and depth, but for someone unfamiliar with it, it's really hard to follow much of what's going on. I don't feel like I can really judge much of what's happening solely because I more recognize the story archetype than ever connect with the subject itself.

From a technical standpoint, the prose is fine, but I've not much to say to the story itself.

_________________
At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:23 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Mar 27, 2015
Posts: 1439
I made some major revisions that might help, mainly framing the original story as a kind of flashback.

_________________
The Man in Black fled across Manhattan, and the Gunslinger jumped off rooftops.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group